the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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