spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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