When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
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I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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