I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
BRING THE BAGELS
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
