We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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