Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
