their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're a waste of cheezeits
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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