I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
