come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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