Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
