My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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