so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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