I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
