my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
