oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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