fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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