I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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