My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
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I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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