had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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