new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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