dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
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Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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