ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
