matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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