I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
