First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
