I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
