I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
