the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
