i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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