Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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