he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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