Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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