got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
