paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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