if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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