I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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