home. puking in laundry basket.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
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Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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