Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
