If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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