I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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