I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
