It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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