I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
