Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
