I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
