i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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