There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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