I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In other news, I just burned my penis
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
not ubering you a puppy
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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