What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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