Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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