you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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