As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
