1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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