you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize